Dating & Dragons

by Tim Frankovich

What modern-day young man has not heard the tales of the knights of old and their romances? The standard storyline of these romances almost always begins with the capture of some beautiful woman, usually a princess, by a terrible dragon or some similar creature. The knight immediately sets out to rescue the fair damsel in distress, without any thought of the costs or consequences. Eventually, there is a fierce battle with the dragon and the knight is triumphant, despite the ridiculous odds. The story ends as the princess falls into the knight's bloodstained arms, and they live happily ever after (no matter what she looked like after sitting in a dragon's cave for several days).

This is indeed a drastic difference from modern romances! Today, the instigator of a relationship is not a dragon, but this strange invention called dating. Instead of slaying the murderous monster to win the gorgeous girl, the modern man must attempt to impress the woman of his choice with dinners, movies, and brilliant rhetoric. To win his girl, the knight merely had to say, "I won." With just two simple words, the knight suddenly found his arms full of a beautiful woman. Today's knights certainly wish they could find two words so effective! Who needs sweet nothings whispered in the ear?

On a date, a man is expected to be suave, intelligent, handsome, and sufficiently well-off financially to pay for the bill. The knights of old had no need of suavity or intelligence that was beyond basic dragon-fighting. If they were not especially handsome, it could always be hidden under a nice suit of armor. As for money, what more did he need if he was marrying the princess? In addition, dragons' skins could be sold for a good amount of money, so there were no financial difficulties whatsoever.

Another factor that must be dealt with on a date is the girl's parents. Is he good enough for their little Sally? Does he have good character? What are his motives? These are the questions that today's knight must answer satisfactorily to gain their approval to continue dating Sally, or Hazel, or whoever it is. The knights of old had little difficulty here, either. After all, the father (the king) put out a general advertisement asking for suitors, so any peasant or middle-class smith with a sword could make an attempt at the quest. Actually, the king just wanted to get rid of the dragon. Gaining a son-in-law was just the frosting on the cake. Character? There was no need of it. Motives? He wanted a wife! What further motive did he need? As for whether he was good enough, good old Dad just figured that if he was good enough to brutally massacre a massive monster ten times larger and more powerful than himself, he was good enough. One wonders if occasionally, the knights ever bribed the dastardly dragon to disappear for a long period of time, at least until the next knight came along looking for a bride.

Of course, the knights did have a few minor problems to face. One of these was the dragon himself (or herself). In order to defeat this horrendous creature, the knight had to be well-trained in the use of weaponry, as well as the specific tactics involved in dragon-fighting. Those who attempted the battle without this training occasionally succeeded, usually due to incredible luck, something which seemed to work much better in those days than it does now. Nevertheless, most knights chose to depend on skill rather than luck. The training might be long and grueling, but it would be worth it in the end.

Even with all of this extensive training, how did these little knights with their toothpick swords and lances defeat dragons that were many times larger, tougher, and generally uglier than themselves? It brings back the question of motive. With a gorgeous, golden-haired young woman waiting in the cave, who wouldn't fight like eighty men?¹

"Oh, for a simple dragon!" cries today's date-wearied knight. "Give me a sword and a damsel in distress!" Why would he desire a life-threatening situation over a leisurely courtship and romance? Why? The simple reason can be summed up in one word: frustration. "Will she say 'yes'? Will she like me? Is she really only going out with me because she feels sorry for me? Does she really hate me?" What stalwart warrior of old had to deal with ridiculous questions like these? If he killed the beast, she was his; and she would have to learn to like it. If she did not marry him, the whole kingdom would look down on her; and what self-respecting princess wanted that? Consequently, history does not record one instance in which the knight and his lady did not live happily ever after. Apparently, slaying a dragon produced instant love.

It would be interesting to see, if offered a choice, how many of today's knights would choose a dragon over the dating game (for a game it is). Which is preferable: all-out, death-defying physical conflict; or a frustrating, emotionally traumatic experience? The women might prefer the "fun" of dating over being kidnapped by a massive monster and scared half to death, but isn't the man supposed to be the decision-maker? It was not the female's choice in the beginning: why should it be now?

¹Please note that not all gorgeous women are golden-haired. The main reason for this usage is, of course, alliteration. However, history seems to record an unusual predominance of golden-haired princesses compared to other colors of the hair. A study of the phenomena might prove interesting.